10 Whitest Players in NBA History

[Matches]

The newest generation of whities coming into the league has to include Chase Budinger and Harangody.

 

[Snarly]

This gets OP a thanks for the "mike smith" every team should be required to have a white dark haired Mike Smith as part of the roster... Failure to do so will result In a loss of your most athletic black guy On the current roster. If the black has the name Tyrone Jones he then will be safe as the black/white name law Would come Into Effect. A Tyrone Jones Is not a required player or name for the black men of the roster but having one will gain you an Extra Draft Pick as a result of how many dunks he had..... Wait, where am I?

 

[Spencer Hawes]

Do any of the white posters take exception to this thread? lol

 

[Jezzar]

My main man "Ball" gets no respect around here..

Just take a look at this

Taste the eastern vanilla.

 

[The Oi]

I don't see euro's as white guys. Not to say they're not white...obviously, they are. But when you're talking about white, you want Amurrican white. And there's nothing more American than an Irish/Polish/ Croatian- Dutch mix. The Euros are generally pure-bred and that's just not very American. It's the mutts that we want.

When you start to get the Italian or Greek in there though, you're treading on thin ice. You're going to end up with darker skin, better dance moves, and less awkward personalities.

If you want that sickly pink heat rash exercise skin, you want as much Anglo-Saxon or central European as you can get in there. To be TRULY white, you're going to want to go with a big rather than a PG. Yeah, it's pretty white to shoot the three, but white guys don't have that market cornered anymore. The top three point shooters in the league have been black guys for a while

So what many white guys have been forced to focus on is being big enough and cerebral enough to always have a spot on the team... While giving nothing when they are out on the court. Coaches like them because they hustle, they've got good attitudes, and they understand the game.


So when it comes to the bigs, you want, tall, skinny, minimal muscle tone, and either a buzz cut

or a Republican comb-over haircut.

You want your white bigs to be stiff, awkward, ugly and you want them to foul out quickly.

You want them to be guys that when you're watching them cause you to force out exasperated laughs and sighs, make you feel queasy when they put the ball on the floor, and make you clamor for the coach to yank them.

Or the alternative is that you want a guy that's so awkward and goofy out there thata contingent of fans develops that sarcastically roots for him to get in the game strictly BECAUSE he's so awkward (Gody).

Now there are exceptions. There are the white guys who have one skill and one skill only, and there are two of this skills. The first is to shoot the lights out from three- preferably well, but not always. These can be bigs, like Matt Bonner (good) and Scalabrine (bad) or they can be guards, like Steve Kerr and Fred Hoiberg.

The second skill is hustle. This is generally going to be a PF or C, like Tyler Hansbrough or Mark Madsen or Chris Kaman to an extent.

Kaman is an example of a guy who is definitely white, but he's a bit of an anomaly from your standard white guy, because he has some skill.

To be truly white, they must have only this skill, there must be no explosiveness to their game whatsoever and they must give extremely insightful interviews, when someone wants to interview them...which is never. They're going to be guys that if you walk into the locker room you see sitting in the corner by themselves, they're generally going to be "family men," and they're going to be called "The White _____" such and such by their black team-mates. Their whiteness will be so intense, that it will be acknowledged in their every move both on the court and off.

So let's go through some guys and discuss their whiteness:

Greg Ostertag- Ostertag was really your ultimate white guy thug type. He had the name that sounded like the monster from a Brothers Grimm fairy tale, he had the buzz cut, and he had a game that was completely devoid of skill. He could foul, block some shots here and there, and he was intimidating only in that he had nothing to lose by hacking the shit out of guys who got near the heoop. On the white scale, he was a 10 out of 10.

Bryant Reeves- Reeves had the hillbilly whitness and awkwardness that you look for in a white guy. He, Ostertag, and Harandgody look like they'd have a good time together plowing something or baling hay or fishing for some kind of bass in pure silence for hours at a time, sipping on Busch. Reeves was a 10/10.

Tyler Hansbrough- Hustle, cerebral and a contingent of fans that roots for him sarcastically...check, check and check. Hansbrough has the Keith Van Horn look going, looks like he'd be pretty religious and you could see him running for office after he retires. He's an 8.5/10. He gets docked the 1.5 because he does have some skill and gets too much playing time to be considered a pure white guy. Psycho T.

Mark Madsen- Paved the way for Psycho T. 10/10.

Anderson Varejao, Tiago Splitter, Luis Scola- I'm only including these guys in this analysis to make a point. Yes, they all look awkward when they put the ball on the floor. Yes, they're limited in athleticism (Tiago less so). Yes, their skin tone and haircuts are very white. But these guys are Hispanic, look like they'd have a pretty smooth soccer game, and are all probably good with women and can dance. All of those things eliminate them from the white conversation. Varejao's hustle is an 8/10 on the white scale, but he does have some actual skill, he's south american and there is some smoothness to his off the court game so I've heard. He's a 5/10.

Scola looks like Fabio, has a pretty sweet stroke and he's Hispanic. He looks like he belongs on the cover of a Danielle Steele novel and he gets too much playing time to be white.

Also a 5/10. Tiago Splitter...I'll be honest. I've never watched him play so I can't really say anything other than that he's hispanic, he has an awesome name and he supposedly has some actual skill- 5/10. My point being...Latins don't count because there's going to be some level of smoothness to their game and they're probably skilled with the ladies. Skill with women un-whites a guy immediately.

Let's move across the timeline and into the front court to examine Tiago's team-mate Matt Bonner. Awkward, shoots the lights out, cerebral, ginger...we're done here. 10/10.

Chris Andersen and Scot Pollard. They're stiff, they're limited in skill (fouls and shot blocking)...but they're not that white. They're rock and roll, man. Drugs, tats (in andersens case), crazy hairstyles...
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yeah, they're white in color, but when you look like the substitute lead singer for Stone Temple Pilots (Pollard) or have the lifestyle and appearance that would make Alice In Chains give you a call to try out for the lead singer role in a re-union concert...you're not white.

Scot Pollard's GAME gets an 8/10 strictly because of the lack of skill, but his personality, interests, and flamboyant appearance drop him to a 6. Andersen is a 3-4 because he takes it to the next level. PLUS he fucked a girl that I used to slam in college, which to be is a crowning achievement for me. I sent him a fan letter to tell him right after I found out, but haven't gotten anything back yet. This was almost six months ago...

Cherokee Parks- Laettner paved the way for him. He had the tats to be Chris Andersen before Bird Man came around...but not enough skill or acceptance of his role to stick around. Tats downgraded him to a 7. He fell somewhere in between Pollard and Chris Andersen. Why did I even include him on here? I don't know.

Mark Eaton, Shawn Bradley: Mark Eaton had a little bit of skill offensively IF I RECALL. I could be wrong, but I could swear he had a nice little hook and decent touch around the basket. He's one of the greatest shot-blockers of all time and he was a great defender. In appearance and the game itself, hed be a 10. But I have to downgrade him to an 8, because he was so good at what he did.

Now Shawn Bradely...Jesus. Jesus Christ almighty...I mean, holy Joseph Smith.

Mormon, conservative hair-cut, tentative both in conversation and on court play, no muscle tone. Gawky and awkward and the KING of getting climbed like a tree and getting dunked on. He was literally height alone. He was as effective as standing a gigantic green bean in front of the basket...which is actually pretty effective on guards.

He's going to block some of their shots strictly by being there. But when it cames to explosive athletes...they used to get erections the second they saw him rotate over towards them.

They'd get a full head of steam, cradle the ball and just slam into him and mash the ball over his head. You could always see he knew it was coming and hed sort of turn his body and crouch a little bit, hopefully get his name turned away from the cameras as if it would somehow make it more difficult to tell who he was when that shot ended up on a poster or basketball card a few months later.

No such luck...EVERYONE loved dunking on Bradley and it became a right of passage for the great wings to destroy him at least once in their career. Bradley is a 10/10.


Veal Scalabrine- Scal seems like the kind of guy that wants you to think he's a little edgy, or at least enough of a class clown to fly under the white guy radar...Nope. He's a poor man's Matt Bonner. He's Louie cK if you thrw him out on the court except less endearing. He's got the sarcastic fan base, the annoying interview clips and everyone hates when he's on the floor. 10/10.

Bill Laimbeer, Kevin McHale, Chris Dudley. Laimbeer and McHale were actually great players. Laimbeer was tougher but less skilled than McHale. But their games were extraordinarily white, they were cerebral and they're front office or coach quality guys post- career. I include Chris Dudley in here, for one reason and one reason only. To explain the only way he had the career he did. I think coaches kept thinking they could turn him into a homeless man's Laimbeer. The accepted whiteness of those two at the time, combined with their hotness around the league and the love that white front office guys had for them...I think that must have made a couple coaches feel like they could slip him under the radar and say, "Well, he's our version of Laimbeer or McHale. So let's pay him and see if we can max out his "potential." Yeah right... 10/10.

Fred Hoiberg, John Paxson, Steve Kerr, Boobie Gibson- Three point shooting is their only skill, but they're amazing at it. Hitting threes at incredible rates and in volume. Clutch, always in during the last minute of the game. Steve Novak seems to be on the way up in this category.

But why is Boobie included here? Boobie is included because, yeah...he talks black and yeah...he's allowed to dribble the ball from time to time. But...let's be real. Boobie is a white guy deep down. He's deeply religious. We all know the only reason he's allowed to dribble the ball and take it to the basket is because he's black. He's horribly ineffective once he gets near the rim, he throws up embrassingly awkward shots...but he's got smooth, ball-handling skills so it looks pretty up until the ball leaves his hands. If he could finish, he would not be included on this list. But he can't...and on paper and on twitter...he's an "honorary white guy." Hoiberg, Paxson, Kerr had the one-dimensional game, the Republican haircut, and the inability to finish from anywhere outside the three point line. 10/10 for all. Boobie is white on paper, but black in reality. He gets bumped up from a 0 to a 3 for that reason. He's white like Jason Williams (PG, Dukes of Hazzard theme song, Randy Moss's HS team-mate) was black. White Chocolate was a 5-6 on the black scale though...more black than Boobie is white.

Pete Maravich: 5/10 because of his game, but 10/10 as far as influence.

he revolutionized the white guy with black guy skills concept. His game never translated to team success, but he opened the door for white kids to not feel like they had to be stiff and awkward and unload the ball like a hot potato the minute a black guy begrudgingly passed them the ball. In fact, Pete Maravich took the whole not-passing the ball back thing to a whole new level. He never passed it at all. If Malcolm X wanted to punish white people for destroying black people's lives and exploiting them for years...Pete Maravich wanted to punish black guys for being more athletic, more skilled and not passing the ball to white guys nation-wide the minute they integrated the league. Pete Maravich was the white basketball Malcolm X.

Kurt Rambis- LOL. Next one.

Larry Bird, Kevin Love, Dirk Nowitzki: Larry Bird, oh Larry Bird. :sigh: just...thank you. Thank you a million times over.

You packaged what McHale and Mullin could give us into one well-rounded game. One of the most well-rounded, clutch, shit-talking winners of all time of any color. Awkward looking, Indiana farm boy with no muscle definition...and yet effectively athletic somehow, a great team player and even had a bit of a mean-streak. 10/10 in game and 15/10 in influence. He opened the door for Kevin Love, who has a similar style of game and if surrounded by players the quality that Bird had...would probably have similar regular season success. As for post-season...few have had that kind of success. We may never know just how Bird-like Kevin Love can be in today's game because the market he's in will never attract great free agents the quality that Bird had around him throughout his career.

Rubio appears to be a future great, but Love would need a McHale or a Parrish across from him to realize his potential greatness. Dirk is the modern-day Larry Bird but he can never be put in the same white guy class because (a) he hasn't had the post-season success Bird did and (b) he's a Euro. Love- 10/10 and Dirk 8/10. Dirk has been influential as well, opening the door for other perimeter-oriented bigs like Gallinari, Bargnani and the like. So while these guys games are obviously not in the same stratosphere asas Dudley, Bradley and such...iits their influence that makes them off the charts white.

Jason Kidd and Blake Griffin- Black guys...pleeeeeaaaase. Please let us have them. I mean look at Kidd's skin! And he can't dunk! He's pass-first, he's cerebral, he's the white Magic Johnson! Yeah good point...Magic was black. But Kidd beat his wife...you don't need that do you? Ugh...fine. Well what about Griffin? Blake Griffin is a ginger for God's sake. Well yeah...he's explosive sure. Yes, he can dunk. What do you mean,"would a white guy have done that to Mozgov??" Oh...you said COULD do that to Mozgov. Well, no I guess not. So, I guess we'll have to settle for Bob Sura, Brent Barry and Budinger's AMAZING dunk contest feats.

Wait...what? You'll give us Farmar and Kris Humphries instead? And volume-shooting, oft-injured Kevin Martin and that pussy-whipped Doug Christie? Are any of these guys even white?? This isn't a compromise at all. Those guys all suck.

I'm not even rating anyone above because (a) I'm getting sick of my own post and (b) it's time to finish this up.

Eh fuck it...let's move on to PG's- Steve Nash, John Stockton, Mark Price in order. White, HoF- Quality in Stockton and Nash's case and not quite there but still damn good in Price's case. These are great shooters, great passers and great team guys. Oddly, they've all been deep in the playoffs but never won the big one. And yeah...Nash is Canadian and possibly even South African I think, but we're counting him. Price, Stockton and their short shorts are 10/10 and Nash is too smooth and hip to be pure white. Nash gets a 7/10 in whiteness and a 10/10 in influence.

Nice balls:

Alright, I've had enough. The whole Griffin and Kidd black guy argument thing was where this jumped the shark and all the guys who would have been honorable mentions have been covered.

Holy Larry Joe Bird this was a long post.

 

[Maximus]

I don't euro's as white guys. Not to say they're not white...obviously, they are. But when you're talking about white, you want Amurrican white. And there's nothing more American than an Irish/Polish/ Croatian- Dutch mix.
The Euros are generally pure-bred and that's just not very American. It's the mutts that we want.

When you start to get the Italian or Greek in there though, you're treading on thin ice. You're going to end up with darker skin, better dance moves, and less awkward personalities.

If you want that sickly pink heat rash exercise skin, you want as much Anglo-Saxon or central European as you can get in there. To be TRULY white, you're going to want to go with a big rather than a PG. Yeah, it's pretty white to shoot the three, but white guys don't have that market cornered anymore. The top three point shooters in the league are black guys now.

So what white guys have been forced to focus on is being big enough and cerebral enough to always have a spot on the team... While giving nothing when they are out on the court. Coaches like them because they hustle, they've got good attitudes, and they understand the game.

So when it comes to the bigs, you want, tall, skinny, minimal muscle tone, and either a buzz cut (think Harangody) or a Republican comb-over haircut. (Think Freddy Hoiberg or Steve Kerr)

You want your white bigs to be stiff, awkward, ugly and you want them to foul out quickly. You want them to be guys that when you're watching them cause you to force out exasperated laughs and sighs, make you feel queasy when they put the ball on the floor, and make you clamor for the coach to yank them. Or the alternative is that you want a guy that's so awkward and goofy out there thata contingent of fans develops that sarcastically roots for him to get in the game strictly BECAUSE he's so awkward (Gody).

Now there are exceptions. There are the white guys who have one skill and one skill only, and there are two of this skills. The first is to shoot the lights out from three- preferably well, but not always. These can be bigs, like Matt Bonner and Scalabrine or they can be guards, like Steve Kerr and Fred Hoiberg.

The second skill is hustle. This is generally going to be a PF or C, like Tyler Hansbrough or Mark Madsen or Chris Kaman to an extent. Kaman is an example of a guy who is definitely white, but he's a bit of an anomaly from your standard white guy, because he has some skill.

To be truly white, they must have only this skill, there must be no explosiveness to their game whatsoever and they must give extremely insightful interviews, when someone wants to interview them...which is never. They're going to be guys that if you walk into the locker room you see sitting in the corner by themselves, they're generally going to be "family men," and they're going to be called "The White _____" such and such by their black team-mates. Their whiteness will be so intense, that it will be acknowledged in their every move both on the court and off.

So let's go through some guys and discuss their whiteness:

Greg Ostertag- Ostertag was really your ultimate white guy thug type. He had the name that sounded like the monster from a Brothers Grimm fairy tale, he had the buzz cut, and he had a game that was completely devoid of skill. He could foul, block some shots here and there, and he was intimidating only in that he had nothing to lose by hacking the shit out of guys who got near the heoop. On the white scale, he was a 10 out of 10

Bryant Reeves- Reeves had the hillbilly whitness and awkwardness that you look for in a white guy. He and Harandgody look like they'd have a good time together plowing something or baling hay or fishing for some kind of bass in pure silence for hours at a time, sipping on Busch. Reeves was a 10/10.

Tyler Hansbrough- Hustle, cerebral and a contingent of fans that roots for him sarcastically...check, check and check. Hansbrough has the Keith Van Horn look going, looks like he'd be pretty religious and you could see him running for office after he retires. He's an 8.5/10. He gets docked the 1.5 because he does have some skill and gets too much playing time to be considered a pure white guy. Psycho T.

Mark Madsen- Paved the way for Psycho T. 10/10.

Anderson Varejao, Tiago Splitter, Luis Scola- I'm only including these guys in this analysis to make a point. Yes, they all look awkward when they put the ball on the floor. Yes, they're limited in athleticism (Tiago less so). Yes, their skin tone and haircuts are very white. But these guys are Hispanic, look like they'd have a pretty smooth soccer game, and are all probably good with women and can dance. All of those things eliminate them from the white conversation. Varejao's hustle is an 8/10 on the white scale, but he does have some actual skill, he's south american and there is some smoothness to his off the court game so I've heard. He's a 5/10. Scola looks like Fabio, has a pretty sweet stroke and he's Hispanic. He looks like he belongs on the cover of a Danielle Steele novel and he gets too much playing time to be white. Also a 5/10. Tiago Splitter...I'll be honest. I've never watched him play so I can't really say anything other than that he's hispanic, he has an awesome name and he supposedly has some actual skill- 5/10. My point being...Latins don't count because there's going to be some level of smoothness to their game and they're probably skilled with the ladies. Skill with women un-whites a guy immediately.

Let's move across the timeline and into the front court to examine Tiago's team-mate Matt Bonner. Awkward, shoots the lights out, cerebral, ginger...we're done here. 10/10.

Chris Andersen and Scot Pollard. They're stiff, they're limited in skill (fouls and shot blocking)...but they're not that white. They're rock and roll, man. Drugs, tats, crazy hairstyles...yeah, they're white in color, but when you look like the substitute lead singer for Stone Temple Pilots (Pollard) or have the lifestyle and appearance that would make Alice In Chains give you a call to try out for the lead singer role in a re-union concert...you're not white. Scot Pollard's GAME gets an 8/10 strictly because of the lack of skill, but his personality, interests, and flamboyant appearance drop him to a 6. Andersen is a 3-4 because he takes it to the next level. PLUS he fucked a girl that I used to slam in college, which to be is a crowning achievement for me. I sent him a fan letter to tell him right after I found out, but haven't gotten anything back yet. This was almost six months ago...

Cherokee Parks- Laettner paved the way for him. He had the tats to be Chris Andersen before Bird Man came around...but not enough skill or acceptance of his role to stick around. Tats downgraded him to a 7. He fell somewhere in between Pollard and Chris Andersen. Why did I even include him on here? I don't know.
Mark Eaton, Shawn Bradley: Mark Eaton had a little bit of skill offensively IF I RECALL. I could be wrong, but I could swear he had a nice little hook and decent touch around the basket. He's one of the greatest shot-blockers of all time and he was a great defender. In appearance and the game itself, hed be a 10. But I have to downgrade him to an 8, because he was so good at what he did. Now Shawn Bradely...Jesus. Jesus Christ almighty...I mean, holy Joseph Smith. Mormon, conservative hair-cut, tentative both in conversation and on court play, no muscle tone. Goody and awkward and the KING of getting climbed like a tree and getting dunked on. He was literally height alone. He was as effective as standing a gigantic green bean in front of the basket...which is actually pretty effective on guards. He's going to block some of their shoots strictly by being there. But when it cames to explosive athletes...they used to get erections the second they saw him rotate over towards them. They'd get a full head of steam, cradle the ball and just slam into him and mash the ball over his head. You could always see he knew it was coming and hed sort of turn his body and crouch a little bit, hopefully get his name turnew away from the cameras as if it would somehow make it more difficult to tell who he was when that shot ended up on a poster or basketball card a few months later. No such luck...EVERYONE loved dunking on Bradley and it became a right of passage for the great wings to destroy him at least once in their career. Bradley is a 10/10.

Veal Scalabrine- Scal seems like the kind of guy that wants you to think he's a little edgy, or at least enough of a class clown to fly under the white guy radar...Nope. He's a poor man's Matt Bonner. He's Louie cK if you thrw him out on the court except less endearing. He's got the sarcastic fan base, the annoying interview clips and everyone hates when he's on the floor. 10/10.

Bill Laimbeer, Kevin McHale, Chris Dudley. Laimbeer and McHale were actually great players. Laimbeer was tougher but less skilled than McHale. But their games were extraordinarily white, they were cerebral and they're front office or coach quality guys post- career. I include Chris Dudley in here, for one reason and one reason only. To explain the only way he had the career he did. I think coaches kept thinking they could turn him into a homeless man's Laimbeer. The accepted whiteness of those two at the time, combined with their hotness around the league and the love that white front office guys had for them...I think that must have made a couple coaches feel like they could slip him under the radar and say, "Well, he's our version of Laimbeer or McHale. So let's pay him and see if we can max out his "potential." Yeah right... 10/10.

Fred Hoiberg, John Paxson, Steve Kerr, Boobie Gibson- Three point shooting is their only skill, but they're amazing at it. Hitting threes at incredible rates and in volume. Clutch, always in during the last minute of the game. Steve Novak seems to be on the way up in this category.

But why is Boobie included here? Boobie is included because, yeah...he talks black and yeah...he's allowed to dribble the ball from time to time. But...let's be real. Boobie is a white guy deep down. He's deeply religious. We all know the only reason he's allowed to dribble the ball and take it to the basket is because he's black. He's horribly ineffective once he gets near the rim, he throws up embrassingly awkward shots...but he's got smooth, ball-handling skills so it looks pretty up until the ball leaves his hands. If he could finish, he would not be included on this list. But he can't...and on paper and on twitter...he's an "honorary white guy." Hoiberg, Paxson, Kerr had the one-dimensional game, the Republican haircut, and the inability to finish from anywhere outside the three point line. 10/10 for all. Boobie is white on paper, but black in reality. He gets bumped up from a 0 to a 3 for that reason. He's white like Jason Williams (PG, Dukes of Hazzard theme song, Randy Moss's HS team-mate) was black. White Chocolate was a 5-6 on the black scale though...more black than Boobie is white.

Pete Maravich: he revolutionized the white guy with black guy skills concept. His game never translated to team success, but he opened the door for white kids to not feel like they had to be stiff and awkward and unload the ball like a hot potato the minute a black guy begrudgingly passed them the ball. In fact, Pete Maravich took the whole not-passing the ball back thing to a whole new level. He never passed it at all. If Malcolm X wanted to punish white people for destroying black people's lives and exploiting them for years...Pete Maravich wanted to punish black guys for being more athletic, more skilled and not passing the ball to white guys nation-wide the minute they integrated the league. Pete Maravich was the white basketball Malcolm X. 5/10 because of his game, but 10/10 as far as influence.

Kurt Rambis- LOL. Next one.

Larry Bird, Kevin Love, Dirk Nowitzki: Larry Bird, oh Larry Bird. :sigh: just...thank you. Thank you a million times over. You packaged what McHale and Mullin could give us into one well-rounded game. One of the most well-rounded, clutch, shit-talking winners of all time of any color. Awkward looking, Indiana farm boy with no muscle definition...and yet effectively athletic somehow, a great team player and even had a bit of a mean-streak. 10/10 in game and 15/10 in influence. He opened the door for Kevin Love, who has a similar style of game and if surrounded by players the quality that Bird had...would probably have similar regular season success. As for post-season...few have had that kind of success. We may never know just how Bird-like Kevin Love can be in today's game because the market he's in will never attract great free agents the quality that Bird had around him throughout his career. Rubio appears to be a future great, but Love would need a McHale or a Parrish across from him to realize his potential greatness. Dirk is the modern-day Larry Bird but he can never be put in the same white guy class because (a) he hasn't had the post-season success Bird did and (b) he's a Euro. Love- 10/10 and Dirk 8/10. Dirk has been influential as well, opening the door for other perimeter-oriented bigs like Gallinari, Bargnani and the like. So while these guys games are obviously not in the same stratosphere asas Dudley, Bradley and such...iits their influence that makes them off the charts white.

Jason Kidd and Blake Griffin- Black guys...pleeeeeaaaase. Please let us have them. I mean look at Kidd's skin! And he can't dunk! He's pass-first, he's cerebral, he's the white Magic Johnson! Yeah good point...Magic was black. But Kidd beat his wife...you don't need that do you? Ugh...fine. Well what about Griffin? Blake Griffin is a ginger for God's sake. Well yeah...he's explosive sure. Yes, he can dunk. What do you mean,"would a white guy have done that to Mozgov??" Oh...you said COULD do that to Mozgov. Well, no I guess not. So, I guess we'll have to settle for Bob Sura, Brent Barry and Budinger's AMAZING dunk contest feats.

Wait...what? You'll give us Farmar and Kris Humphries instead? And volume-shooting, oft-injured Kevin Martin and that pussy-whipped Steve Christie? Are any of these guys even white?? This isn't a compromise at all. Those guys all suck.

I'm not even rating anyone above because (a) I'm getting sick of my own post and (b) it's time to finish this up.

Eh fuck it...let's move on to PG's- Steve Nash, John Stockton, Mark Price in order. White, HoF- Quality in Stockton and Nash's case and not quite there but still damn good in Price's case. These are great shooters, great passers and great team guys. Oddly, they've all been deep in the playoffs but never won the big one. And yeah...Nash is Canadian and possibly even South African I think, but we're counting him. Price, Stockton and their short shorts are 10/10 and Nash is too smooth and hip to be pure white. Nash gets a 7/10 in whiteness and a 10/10 in influence.

Alright, I've had enough. The whole Griffin and Kidd black guy argument thing was where this jumped the shark and all the guys who would have been honorable mentions have been covered.

Holy Larry Joe Bird this was a long post.

Shut up

 

[Mdog1]

Dude you have way too much time on your hands. Why can't you just be a normal guy and masturbate when you're bored?

 

[The Oi]

Dude you have way too much time on your hands. Why can't you just be a normal guy and masturbate when you're bored?

Types it out during a 30 minute shit right when I woke up, filled it in with pics while I was waiting for my wife to finish (masturbating) in the shower. Cunt.

 

[Randolphkeys]

There's one current player who stands head and shoulders above the rest of the current players as incredibly white: J.J. Redick. Let's go over his most white assets:


1. Skin Tone: Here we see Redick posing next to a white brick wall. Can you actually see where J.J.'s face begins and the wall ends? I couldn't either.

2. High scores on the ShawnBradleycator:

Do you actively root for this player to be embarrassed on the floor? If so, you have a high Shawn Bradley ratio in your popularity.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/tW3a0BbJArc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

...Here we see fans drooling over J.J. Redick's ankles being broken. Among the fans, he is the new Bradley.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MdMFkN2IYvA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

...and here we see his own teammates laughing at his Shawn Bradley moment. Nothing can unite a splintered and dysfunctional Orlando locker room like Redick embarrassing himself.


3. Doucheface

I think it is incredibly important for a white guy to have a certain dislikability. Now there are plenty of cool, chill white guys in the world. They can go into Hot Sauce Williams and order up a Polish Boy, and nobody really turns their head. Take for example, Bob Sura:

Back in the day, you could hit Rum Runners after a Cavs game and see Sura grinding on skanky chicks of every race. Nobody would turn their heads if Sura zipped up a Starter jacket and grabbed some Hot Sauce Williams for dine in.

Then you have J.J. Redick with his doucheface:

Something about his face says, "I got the promotion over you because I have connections." His face just seems extremely punchable. No way he sets foot in Hot Sauce Williams after 5pm and lives.

 

[Mdog1]

OMFG Keys you are a racist genious. I don't even like Reddick ffs, and I am white. Of course I wish I was in the NBA, so I would trade him, but he really does scream I am a douche and will try to steal your girl only to be shut down. Punchable is a good word to describe his face btw.

 

[The Oi]

Sura looks a LOT like Damage.

 

[Pavlovic3Ball]

Ed Nealy

This guy had no talent at all but hustled his ass off every play. Yea, I know, half the white guys listed were the same lol. But this guy took it to another level.

 

[Pavlovic3Ball]

I could out-white half of that list. I give the writer props for working Scott Brooks, Rambis, and Paul Mokeski into the list. When we just talk skin tone, I don't want a white guy, I want a guy who boarders on pink when he exercises.

Look at that skin... I didn't even know that color was an option. It's like he donated his skin melanin to cancer research. It's actually illegal for him to stand next to trees while holding a lasso. That is how white Van Horn is.

Just amazing.


My runner up is Brad Davis. You have to see a full pictoral of his career and his many style changes... it's like the Forrest Gump of being a white guy.

Brad Davis has his number retired by the Mavs.

 

[UDcleveland]

Wow... that dude was born to have a mustache. Dude looks so totally awkward and lost without it.

 

[Randolphkeys]

Brad Davis has his number retired by the Mavs.

Wow... that dude was born to have a mustache. Dude looks so totally awkward and lost without it.

He is known by some as Mr. Maverick, I call him the Chuck Norris of basketball.