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Dealing with an unwanted divorce as a dude.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by WarAdmiral, Feb 2, 2013.

  1. WarAdmiral

    WarAdmiral Rookie

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    I have been married for over 18 years and around two months the love of my life asked for a divorce. We have three kids together, and when she first asked, I kind of understood cause the past two years had been rocky. I have issues that I a now realize led to her wanting this divorce, and I became guilt stricken cause of those issues. Outside of that, I went through different stages of grieving, denial, rejection, begging, acceptance, fear and it had been a rough two months. I am starting to accept the reality of it, and I just can't control and am focusing on what I can control. I am sure I will have emotional bumps ahead, but she is being super cool about how to do this thing, and we are not doing it till we both can survive on our own, with me having the ability to get the kids whenever I want, when sports and stuff isn't involved. I still hurt when I foresee her with another man, but also realize that I will have a new beginning for myself, and have gone headstrong to deal with the issues I have developed. I feel If I do what I need to do, I will find my happiness and have already started regaining my self worth as a man.

    Now, the thing, that has struck me, is how we as men are not much help to others when going through this. I am talking about how I reached out to great friends who have gone through this themselves before. They were very capable of helping me foresee the financials of the situation, but not one really gave any guidance or warning as to what my mind was about to encounter. I called to see a counselor, and it is month before I can see one. For discussion purposes, is there any good advice out there from guys who know what I am talking about and have gone through this. I hurt worse through this more than anything I have ever encountered, and there was little there for me to understand why I couldn't deal with the stages I went through better. I was a mess, and probably will still be at times, but have had a few good days, so I'm hopeful I am over the worst of it.

    My advice to any guys out there, that haven't gone through it, be prepared to be on your own emotionally if it comes your way. Sure Mom and Dad will be there for ya, and maybe siblings, but if they haven't gone through it, they probably will have no idea how you really hurt.
     
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  2. WarAdmiral

    WarAdmiral Rookie

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    Re: Dealing an unwanted divorce as a dude.

    Damn, I suck, title should be Dealing with an unwanted divorce as a dude.
     
  3. Randolphkeys

    Randolphkeys Admittedly Pompous Staff Member

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    Re: Dealing an unwanted divorce as a dude.

    Now THAT I can fix for you. So sorry to hear about it, and RCF has a number of divorced members who I'm sure can share some ideas with you. Keep your head up!
     
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  4. Walter White

    Walter White Preview Team

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    After 18 years, man that is sad to see that go. I figured after that long you would have passed the point where you would be together til the end, and having 3 kids, man it must have been bad to suddently warrant a divorce. I'll be honest in saying that I have no idea what you are going through, but I feel for ya. And to have been here since 2008 and only have 98 posts, I am glad you shared this because I am sure there are alot of people on this board can relate and help you out a little bit. I'll pray for you man and I know you will get through it.
     
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  5. Notorious

    Notorious Gold Star Member

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    Sorry to hear man. That shit sucks and waiting a month to talk to someone sucks. Keep your head up and know that it will take some time but after a year you'll be moving forward with your life and in most ways you'll be happier than you were in a long time.

    My father and mother just divorced after 35 years and he was having a real rough go of it. He's now got all kinds of new friends and some old friends and is dating and finally starting to realise the happiness he hasn't had in decades. He's really enjoying life now.
     
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  6. UncleDrew

    UncleDrew Potential Legendary

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    Now I am afraid to get married for this reason alone...its not a guarantee that it will last and stay strong..

    Tough break, man. Hang in there and be strong..
     
  7. UncleDrew

    UncleDrew Potential Legendary

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    By the way...I may not be much, but I do have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology...I know it sounds like a pinch of shit..but I do have background knowledge and such in case you need to talk to someone.
     
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  8. UncleDrew

    UncleDrew Potential Legendary

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    That goes for you too, Quad. You need someone to talk to, I am available.

    We are all brothers on this message board, we share that common bond..Cavalier brothers!
     
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  9. WarAdmiral

    WarAdmiral Rookie

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    I guess my time here and my post count should show how much I am going through, but also maybe help others if they go through the same thing down the road. I don't post alot, cause there are some of the most knowledgeable posters about the Cavs and NBA around on this site. My posts would just take space between the more knowledgeable. Probably the best forum I have ever been a member of, and my lack of posts kind of prove that, cause a lot can be learned here by listening. IMO.
     
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  10. Walter White

    Walter White Preview Team

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    I have alot of respect for the people that have been a member since 05-10 and have a very little post counts. You guys are just as much apart of this RCF family as the people that have 10,000+ posts, and I hope you guys know that. But yea, there is alot of people on here that post way too much (myself included probably), so I wish more people were like you :chuckles: But you lurkers are just gonna have to put up with us that post more than we should.
     
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  11. cdt

    cdt Oh My God! Staff Member

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    I can relate though on a much smaller scale as I was only dating the girl for about 2 years. Things we aligning like she could be "the one" and as things got rocky she decided not to work through them and just go our separate ways.

    I'm extremely sad to read that and it's definitely the worst thing you can go through aside from death. As Max said talk about it, bottling it up and ignoring it is definitely not the answer. Often times it helps to talk to someone not in your life currently as they don't pass judgement, or pretend they know the reason for things but can be an objective 3rd party and really listen to you and provide some good insight.

    I hopped on Zoloft after my breakup as that was rough and work and everything else seemed to be following down a crummy path. I was on it for a week and didn't like the side effects and by that time I had decided my problem was that I became an introvert and stayed home and ate shitty food and did nothing to better myself. I woke up one day and just realized like you had said that I can only control what I can control. The gym is a great way to take out stress and relive tension. It's also a positive because you are going to want to make positive changes in your life and learn from this. Getting in good shape is a self esteem booster, great for obvious health reasons and will be a nice plus when you decide to hop back in the dating scene. I realized the things that pushed her away are things that I needed to correct and that I definitely needed to inject some good decisions in my life in order to better myself from the situation.

    Every day it'll get a little bit easier and a little bit easier. Talk to counselors, go to the gym, re-connect with friends and family that you may have neglected over time. Find a hobby, do things that will make you happy and above all else DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. The past is behind you and cannot be tampered with, I've gone through hundreds of fantastical hypothetical scenarios on how I could win the girl back or what I could have done differently. The only thing you have is the present and the future. 2/3 ain't bad, just make today and tomorrow count and know that there are others out there everyday doing exactly what you're doing, even here on RCF. Best of luck buddy.
     
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  12. QuadrupleDouble

    QuadrupleDouble All-Star

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    I obviously just went through a train wreck of a divorce, but I think our situations are a little different.

    I was not in a good relationship and I did not really have any habits or issues that would have driven my wife away, the chick was just crazy and controlling over everything. Her lunacy hasn't stopped.

    Aside from the manwhoring that everyone knows, I really threw myself as much in to being the best father I could during the beginning. I sometimes find that I'm not as commited now as I was then, but a lot of that has to do with my work hours now compared to before and the fact that I have less time with her after having full custody to now being split. On one hand you're spending ideal quality time with them that you can never get back if you don't take advantage of it and you're strengthening a bond between father and child. On the other hand, they will need someone too. Kids are affected by a divorce as well. It's not just you and your wife that are divorcing, but their family environment is being torn apart. It has been two years since my wife and I separated and my little girl the other day still says she wishes her mother and I would still live together.

    Don't feel like a failure, 60% of all marriages end in divorce so you're not alone in any way. I went through my stages very quickly before coming to acceptance. My friends helped out a lot, but much of it was because I could finally tell them what shit she did and said to me on a regular basis and most of them were shocked because she always put on a sweet front. I was literally in an emotionally abusive situation and stayed solely because of my daughter and knowing how things would go down with her. She proved me right with her bs in the first stages of our divorce until the courts put a stop to it.

    Aside from your divorce, get help with whatever "issues" that you've developed. I don't know what kind of problems that you're dealing with, but if that is a root cause for a lot of this and you recognise it, it's in your best interest to take care of yourself. If you're losing your spouse of 18 years over it, you probably need to work on that part of yourself first before you can be happy again.

    If I had to make a quick to do list for you it would be

    Get help for whatever problems you seem to have developed. It already has affected your marriage negatively, don't let it destroy your life
    Stay busy. Sitting around and dwelling on things makes the life transition you are about to go through tougher. Work on staying busy to move on with your life
    Stay busy with the kids. It will be good for both you and the kids
    Fuck some chick. Nothing washes away the stink of old pussy like the sweet smell of new pussy. It just helps you move on and getting the stink on you is always something I recommend
    Be more involved socially. You will find friends that you haven't seen in a while, become more involved in your life. Enjoy the company of others and take advantage of your newly single life

    Good luck. Don't take for granted that your wife will make everything easy either. My wife said the same thing, but it was easy as long as it was on her terms. Know your rights and fight for your kids. If you don't want to be an every other weekend dad, you don't have to be.
     
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  13. QuadrupleDouble

    QuadrupleDouble All-Star

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    On a personal note, since my divorce has actually been finalized, I have been way more mellow in life than during the process.

    I haven't been going out as much, I've been going to bed earlier, haven't been drinking as much. I don't know if it's just because I've been so busy from having to move her shit out, refinancing the house, adapting to a different parenting schedule or what.

    It's just different for me from going from needing to go out every time I didn't have my daughter to really being a little more subdued. I also started smoking weed again for the first time in months and a huge emotional draining weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I'm not sure if I am just emotionally exhausted from the 2 year ordeal I just went through and recovering or I am just at peace and don't feel the need to

    Or I've just been really busy and I'm taking my break to get ready to move on to the next chapter of my life.
     
  14. ajz20

    ajz20 Draft Guru

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    Hang in there. Things will get better! Try not to worry about what you can't control! You control how you feel...... no one else!
     
  15. WarAdmiral

    WarAdmiral Rookie

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    Well, I have had 4 straight days of no tears. I am in the third day of kicking one habit, that I will never do again. I am gaining control little by little, but I know I got a couple of issues that I need some real help on if I am going to reach my full potential as a Father and a man. I went for a walk for the first time in a couple of years yesterday and that is going to become a staple from here on out. I am praying and reading the Bible everyday, and I know my kids see a big difference in me already, but I still have along way to go. I want to get into a gym, and get in better shape, but won't be able to do that til I am able to get my own place. No since joining one around here and I end up in Solon in six months. Really for the first time in my life, I want to love myself and take care of myself. I thank everyone for their wisdom shared in this thread, it is good for me to see the stories of guys having gone through this. I have accepted that she will never love me the same, and that has been the hardest part of this, but I am accepting that I can't control that, and I am not going to be that guy who goes to his grave loving a woman who doesn't love him back. Just don't got it in me.
     
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  16. QuadrupleDouble

    QuadrupleDouble All-Star

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    I don't want to give you false hopes, but if you deal w your issues you never know.


    In the other hand, strange is your best friend and savior. On the other side of that, you won't find love if you don't take care of you first.

    But by all means, bang strange until then. Works wonders on the whole moving on thing.
     
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  17. Nicky

    Nicky Swayze

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    I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I cannot even imagine how you're feeling.
    What I do know is that everyone processes every situation, in their own way. While others give advice, it may not necessarily be the right advice, for you.

    We all go through heartache/pain through our lives. I deal with mine by bottling up, I workout, but for the most part, I say nothing. I know that I am afraid of judgement. I try not to think what the other person is thinking/feeling, as that would drive me crazy. I'm aware that my dealings are probably not that healthy. But I journal, and I workout, but I don't verbally speak about it. <-- But this is how I chose to deal with my situation.

    My sister is a divorcee and is currently engaged again. This, after she swore she'd never marry again. I guess it's all down to the individual, and their ability to cope and deal with what has hurt them in the past. It just takes time, at your own pace.

    But I am wishing you the best.
     
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  18. WarAdmiral

    WarAdmiral Rookie

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    I am not ready to really bang any strange. I do get that it would probably help me move on faster, but I am coming out of wreck. I am putting myself through a process, and hopefully this process will work better than Browns coaches processes. I have relied on my faith to get me through most of this, and I'm not feeling God is pushing me to whore around to get over her. I am focused on today and planning for tomorrow. I am pulling myself up off the floor, and I am gonna live again.
     
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  19. QuadrupleDouble

    QuadrupleDouble All-Star

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    God told me if it feels good do it, but everyone's personal relationship w god is different. I actually received a message fr him while praying and all of a sudden my radio turned on and it was R Kelly singing I don't see nothing wrong, with. Little bump and grind.

    I'm not sure if it was god or merely R Kelly, but I urinated on a 17 year old just in case.
     
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  20. The Oi

    The Oi Or Also Schtick

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    WarAdmiral,

    Let me know when it's ok for me to call you names and otherwise lighten the mood in here.
     
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