This post touched me, and I am teary. I try not to come to this thread in attempt to avoid reality, as I am and have always been inclined. I am, more than ever, stuck in a cycle of hopelessness and pain. I have talked to no one, outside of electronic communication with members of this website, in a week.
I'm handicapped by my own doing, and realizing probably too late how wrong I've been and the impending consequences. I could have done so much more, and been so much more.
My past, tendencies, and brain wiring simply provide me a world more difficult than others, and at 29 and shackled in debt, (a circumstance that at the moment seems to be a life sentence), things seemed to be stacked against me. I'm a toothless infant armed with a plastic spoon and only enough knowledge to know that crouched wolves that surround me have sharp teeth.
I've learned a lot since the events that transpired over summer, if nothing else. But it may just be that there is nothing else to do. Every year I say "if only I knew this before", and with every passing year a barred door shuts. I may be left quite a knowledgeable person with incredible potential, only to ultimately be void of any real potential or knowledge that is anything but unavailing.
I haven't the capacity for love. I have no hope to start or provide for a family. I was put on this earth to raise a boy, and I haven't the means.
Saturdays are the days I normally feel good enough to deal with the world, through pernicious self medication, (prescribed by the good doctors of my state university and it's government), and by unencumbered perversion (of which I fall victim and perpetrate through my own fault time after time). Even that is normally without climax.
Tomorrow will be hell, and today will be but a dream to hope for through six days of pain, assuaged by insignificant distraction from it. Last Sunday I awoke and found "does dying feel good" in a search bar. I remember wondering what hacking at my left forearm, on the meaty part (with a tool I don't possess
) and severing it might feel like.
I have no answers. I don't seek them.
Tomorrow I'll be too embarrassed to revisit this thread, and won't be nearly as lucid or honest as I was today.