Chico Salmon. Loved the name and the batting stance.
John Lowenstein. Hit exactly .242 three times in four years. He was also funny as hell. He ended up being a broadcaster with the Orioles.
After a hitter broke two bats in the same plate appearance, Lowenstein deadpanned, "You know what they say, you just can't get a good piece of ash anymore."
"They should move 1st base back a foot to avoid all those close plays."
"The secret to keeping winning streaks going is to maximize the victories while at the same time minimizing the defeats."
Lowenstein didn't suck, though. He broke in at age 23 and retired at 38. At 37 he was still good enough to get 307 at-bats. As a part-time player at age 35 with the O's he had an OPS+ of 176 in 384 plate appearances. No kidding, he hit .320/1.017 that year (1982). We should have kept him longer than eight years.
He was always good for an interesting quote.
“At third base I can hear the fans yelling at me when I miss a ball and I can pick out those fans and yell right back at them. In left field, you don’t know who is yelling at you. Let’s face it – it’s impossible to be humble out there.”
“There are so many intangibles in victory. I have always considered myself an intangible asset to a team. Perhaps because the tangible assets of my career are not so impressive."
From the Society for American Baseball Research:
“I don’t believe in fan clubs,” he remarked. “What are they for? Does a player have to have one? I think they are a waste of people’s time. A youngster should be out self-educating himself in other pursuits besides running a fan club.”
"Lowenstein often shared his thoughts and sharp wit on just about any subject. One fan club he showed his support for was the Lowenstein Apathy Club (LAC). Hundreds of letters arrived to the Indians pledging disinterest in his career, some signed with invisible ink. Its members promised to have a day in his honor when the Indians were on the road. Occasionally a banner was unfurled in the upper deck at Municipal Stadium, with “Hey Steiner,” followed by 20 feet of blank white cloth. “There is great solace in not caring,” Lowenstein explained jokingly. “People today are so uptight about everything – war, gasoline, unions – that having complete apathy about something would be welcomed. In a small way, I can bring a moment of peace to my fellow man. Apathy clubs may sweep the nation.”"
"The irony was that Lowenstein was not Jewish. The Municipal Stadium organist would serenade him with “Hava Nagila” when he came to bat, until Lowenstein let the organist know he was actually a Roman Catholic. After that, the theme song for his at-bats was “Jesus Christ Superstar.”"
A few more Steiner quotes I dug up:
“You never know where you are born. You have to take your parents’ word for it.”
“I have endeavored to retain a low profile in baseball. The organization has been more than helpful in that direction.”
And finally this one, which has special relevance to the times we're living in now:
"If you act like you know what you’re doing, you can do anything you want… except neurosurgery."