Tips for keeping babies alive while maintaining sanity?

[Kouki]

Wife is due in less than two weeks. Baby girl. First time for this. I think I've only ever held a newborn once. Never changed a diaper. Haven't read any books. Wife and I will very likely get into disagreements frequently as we are both stubborn.

I'm pretty worried about my own health mentally and physically. I have persistent anxiety and am bad at sleeping which makes the anxiety worse. I spent a bunch of money decking out my bedroom and over the last week I finally got decent nights' sleeps for the first time in literal months so that's good but I'm horrible at falling asleep. Last night my husky had constipation and would wake me up crying/begging to go outside every two hours. I literally did not sleep the entire night.

Also my wife and I will be separating once the baby is old enough to not need 100% attention, we are both very stubborn people and will certainly get into heated disagreements.

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By the way...if you have back pain that causes problems sleeping, I CANNOT RECOMMEND AN ADJUSTABLE MATTRESS BASE ENOUGH. It changed my life after two days. I tend to always second-guess purchases but not this. I have a condition called ankylosing spondylitis, basically my spine may potentially start to fuse together later in life, sometimes it flares up...past few months was worse than ever. Like clockwork, wake up at 3:30AM in intense pain; wait for pain to subside for two-three hours; re-set my alarm to five minutes before my first meeting; wake up in intense pain again. Sometimes so bad that I was dry heaving. I got mine on Amazon for $500.

 

[N7RobBob]

As someone who is 22 months into a first child with no real experience. You will have a moment where you both are at home and are like "who thought this was a good idea to let us take home and be in charge of a life with no experience."

Sleep is so key. Everything gets exacerbated by the lack of sleep. Can only imagine the extra 2020 anxiety adding to that. Know that no matter what you and wife are dealing with about each other that the Kid is the important thing. Try to work on that notion and tag each other out for a few moments, even a 5 minute reprieve can be huge. Supporting each other in our daughter's life has made raising her much easier on us overall.

Wife and I have our moments, like most relationships, but our daughter has changed everything for us. She unprompted told my wife "love you" last night for the first time and it just melts your heart. Little things like that are just as fun as the big milestones. It goes by sooo quickly.

Other's will always over advice. Ignore, use it, try some of it... Do what works for you. As long as you aren't endangering your child there is no one correct way to take care of your daughter. Just do what works for Mama and You. Again, I'll reiterate. Support each other the best you can when it comes to your daughter. Will always be easier with you two working from the same vantage point.

I wish you Good Luck, not that you're doing the hard thing, but that your wife doesn't have any complications and that your daughter is born healthy so you both can enjoy her being. If you need anything advice, you know we're a vocal group who like to share our experiences and "expertise".

 

[Man Called X]

I would like to offer you advice, but after having 2 girls, I no longer have any sanity left.

 

[Randolphkeys]

Also my wife and I will be separating once the baby is old enough to not need 100% attention, we are both very stubborn people and will certainly get into heated disagreements.

Hey, I can go into some tips for surviving the first year and a half of raising an infant. But before we all get into that, can you specify about separating? Was it her idea or yours? Have you tried a marriage counselor?

Pregnancy is a time where fights happen. That's normal. But you are also going into a stage where, ideally, you would want a partner to be there with you and the baby. I have friends and family who raised a baby single, but it is a lot harder. See if the fence can be mended.

 

[Cavatt]

I found the first 6 weeks the very hardest. Just no rest and it is hard and it does feel like you want to give up. I found the people helping not that helpful except for the ones who just brought us food. If you can get anyone to bring food, it really helps.

Mom is not going to just be worn out, but also beat up pretty bad from labor and or c section. She likely won't be doing very much for a couple weeks. She will be genuinely injured, and even going to the bathroom can be difficult. Really important to take the burden off her at that time. As a first timer, I thought it was going to last forever, but as your child learns to be a human, it will get better. Breast feeding can be really emotional especially if it doesn't work right away.

That initially period is really a head down, soldier through it situation. Act like a man not a baby yourself even if you don't feel up to it. This kid is brand new and needs a lot. Nothing is particularly hard, it is just non-stop, so get rest whenever you get the chance. Take a nap if you can.

Having a kid is really great, and it will be rewarding for you. You have to alter your expectations about "time for yoursef" and your priorities and all that kind of stuff, but it gets a lot better. That first few weeks everyone is a little traumatized and it taking a deep breath is important. I found that when I started treating it as an emergency and thought of myself as the only one capable of handling it, it went much better.

We were 1000 miles form home, so we did it ourselves. It is doable, but you need to put your worries about yourself aside. It might be slightly freeing to you. I don't have as many personal anxieties anymore because I am less self-involved than I was before.

 

[Area Code 330]

I know with two weeks left you probably don't feel like you have much time left. But I highly recommend the book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. We have a 2.5mo daughter and that book was super helpful for me in preparing to help my wife through labor. You can also pick it up and cherry pick which sections you want to read, doesn't have to be from front to back.

Also, I know it's not in the budget for everyone, but our doula was a lifesaver. Having her there was massively helpful for the both of us.

 

[prf100]

The nights are hard and long - you’ll adjust to that. But what really helps is defining who is “on the clock” consistently. By doing so, there aren’t fights about who gets the baby when, and also who is doing their part, versus who is not. If it’s your hours, it’s your time. And if you find the baby is most often up during your or her hours - you adjust the time so that the split is more even.

It’s been our system for the last two of three kids, and it worked a lot better then when we didn’t have it.

 

[DaNewCavs]

It's especially important at night to take turns. The baby does not need to be breast fed every time. If you can take a turn at night to bottle feed him/her, that will go along way with your relationship and you both will get some sleep. My wife is a heavy sleeper early at night and I am a heavy sleeper in the early morning. So I would set the alarm at 2 and bottle feed her. Then my wife would feed at 5 so I could get a good sleep from 2 until 7 and my wife would sleep from 11 to 5.

 

[Kouki]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I definitely would like to have shifts - one of my friends just had a baby ~2 months ago and that's what they did. I'm worried that we won't be able to have a consistent shift given my sleep problems but we'll see.

@Randolphkeys - unfortunately it is irreconcilable. It has been a long time coming. We got married for the wrong reasons, we dated since college, she has changed very much the last few years. Things were said that can't be taken back; she said she didn't love me on our wedding day. She was trying to get pregnant despite knowing she wanted a divorce. We had tried for months at the end of last year, then it was clear our relationship was not going to last. One slightly drunken February 29th was ironically all it took (and also the last time I got laid ). I asked her why we boned that night and she said she felt sorry for me. The first thing we talked about when we found out was abortion and divorce. She thinks her clock is ticking though at 31.

It will be better in the long run. I don't really even like her too much as a person anymore. I believe she is severely underestimating what it will take to raise a baby. She has a very laissez-faire attitude about the whole thing. She is incredibly clumsy, I am legitimately worried about her not dropping the baby or getting distracted. She does not take an inch of precaution. She bought a changing pad and just put it on the dresser without securing it.

I watched her the other day eating lunch, staring at a computer screen, and watering a plant. She went to set the watering container down and it fell over because she put it down on its side. She did not move her gaze from the computer, just picked up the container and put it down in the exact same fashion and it fell over again. These sorts of things happen daily.

I've had to drive 1.5 hour round trip because she refuses to leash the dogs and they escaped and I couldn't find my dog for a half hour.

We had an on-and-off two month argument about our coffee pot because she couldn't figure out how to pour it without spilling it. I literally cannot even figure out HOW to spill it. Her attitude was "Really, you are just going to let this be a fight and not be a man and just buy a new one to end this?" F that, it's a hundred dollar coffee maker....and there's nothing wrong with it.

My 2nd grade nephew behaves more carefully, pays attention to his surroundings, etc better than her...

Despite being a professional for ~8 years she just started a 401k a year ago and is contributing the bare minimum. Her savings plan is ~30k in Robinhood. Meanwhile over the span of our marriage my 401k rose $130k because I've been maxing it out, before also putting some money into an Accorns account as a "fun" but hands-off investment. Of course if we go through a divorce, she would be liable to half that depending on how the rest of the money works out.

Luckily I think we will go down the dissolution path as that is what she said she wanted to do, but I don't know if she knows that she could claim half my 401k since we got married.

Sorry for the rant...taking my own topic off topic . Just painting a picture of the situation.

 

[Randolphkeys]

It will be better in the long run. I don't really even like her too much as a person anymore.

Very sorry to hear that. I hope you are in touch with some legal help now so that you are set up well during the divorce proceedings. You will want to be a part of your daughter's life, and sometimes an ex-spouse will use that in ways that aren't fair to you.

For the time being, you definitely want to take set shifts with the baby, especially at night. That's great advice. Sounds like formula is the best route to go. We had an Avent fast bottle warmer, you set a button and it gets the temperature right. Well worth the money at 3:00am.

The higher end vibrating baby seat is also important when you are tired and you just want the baby to fall back asleep.

dont get fancy clothes for your baby, she is going to spit up chalky white acid all over them the cheap Walmart $1.50 onesy is your friend.

The unknown is scary, but you will love that little girl and that makes it all much easier.

 

[Kouki]

And to be fair, I'm not faultless at all in this. We don't have fun together and it's moreso on me. I'm incredibly lazy and have on-and-off alcoholism and depression. Start projects without finishing them, neglect landscaping, half ass some things, etc etc.

 

[Kouki]

This is a literal discussion/argument we just had. My dog is constipated, went to vet for shots and ask about the constipation.

Her: "What did the vet say to do?"

Me: "Add water to food for now, if she doesn't poop by tomorrow get her an x-ray"

Me pet talking to the dog next to my wife: "Sorry pupper, I know dog food mixed with water probably isn't good"

Ten minutes later

Her: "Why is dog's food so wet?"

Me: "....That's what the vet said to do"

Her: "That's stupid! Of course she doesn't like eating it!"

Me: "....That is what the professional vet said to do. If she doesn't eat much of it I'll make her chicken and rice"

Her: "Why didn't you just buy wet dog food?"

Me: "I followed the recommendation of the vet. The vet said not to do that. Also it's pretty well-known that rapidly switching dog food can cause MORE stomach issues" (most dog owners are, or should be, pretty well aware of this)

Her: "That's dumb"

This went on for a few minutes until I just ended with a snarky "Yes, you are always right and smarter than a professional vet"

Can we change the title of this to Kouki complains about his life and, also, baby tips?

 

[N7RobBob]

Enjoy fun distractions lik is my baby's poop supposed to be this color, ABC(ALONE, BACK, CRIB) but the baby likes to flip over, and what did you just put in your mouth? among others that you'll find that are specific to you.

you'll have plenty of distractions soon enough

 

[prf100]

The higher end vibrating baby seat is also important when you are tired and you just want the baby to fall back asleep.

THIS. So worth the investment - even the battery powered ones. Buy A LOT of batteries though.

 

[macbdog]

I just became a dad for the first time 4 weeks ago. Haven't slept more than 3 hours at a time since... And I don't miss the lack of sleep. Got a beautiful, happy baby girl and that's worth the lack of sleep I guess, lol. I guess being in healthcare and seeing the worst- including a close relative who had a miscarriage just 2 weeks ago- on the nights she decides to pull a rager i remind myself she's all in one piece and healthy, not everyone is so lucky.

I know it doesn't really help and this isn't a guilt trip, I had the same worries as you, I guess the protective instinct takes over, you just fall in love with the little boob stealer and you find a way through. Mentally, I remind myself that others have made it through and there's no perfect way to do all of it (even though everyone has their 2 cents). Cherish this time because it goes fast. One day I know I'll miss when all she did was eat, poop, cuddle and sleep.

Edit: have an old glider rocker, is invaluable. She hated being swaddled.until.a few days ago, now tolerates the swaddling shirt and will sleep 2-3 hrs at night at a clip when swaddled.