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Dealing with an unwanted divorce as a dude.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information
I have never experienced divorce nor addiction, but I will throw in my 2 cents because I know everything:

You are about to embark on the best years of your life. You will get clean, and you will truly be LIVING for the first time in a long time. You will look back on your divorce as a necessary step that awakened you. Something had to give - something had to be taken away that was close enough to your heart - so that you would quit. You will thank your ex-wife for providing the catalyst for you to become a well-rounded, life-enjoying MAN. It will all happen very fast, and the bitterness and guilt of the years squandered will be outdone by all of the wonderful things that you will enjoy as the New You: the you that has been in a cocoon for far too long. It's going to be extraordinary, and you are going to love it.
 
Nicky, my Mom has said there is another man from the onset. She really thinks it now, since I have turned a new leaf. I never thought so, but tonight makes me think, but I am cool with it if she is. I can't control it.
 
Maximus, she has kind of turned into the old me. I have been doing almost everything in the house for the last three weeks. dishes, laundry, cleaning, you name it. I have become a workaholic to deal with my grieving and just keep doing it, cause I noticed the kids noticed me doing everything. We have kind of changed roles. I am getting the house back in order before I leave, at least that is my goal, is to fix and clean all that I neglected the few years. So far, we have argued about nothing when going over details just talking. I am worried about affording a place to live, but I will get a second job if I have to. Already figuring I will have to, at least part time. 6 years is a long time to pay alimony.
 
Saw this thread, and thought I would jump in and help if/how I could....

-I am very sorry you are going through this life-changing divorce, all on the heels of a battle for your very being vs the demons you mention.
-Great stuff about you focusing on only what YOU can control: being the best Dad you can for your kids, and getting yourself right. Keep this up.
-Your children are constantly learning how to treat women in their lives, by watching you interact with their Mom. Resist the urges to put her in her place, argue, etc; by filing this under 'being the best Dad I can', you might be able to suck it up and remain civil with the future-ex.
-Exercise is a great mood-changer; I was always affected negatively by the shitty CLE weather. Even if you are stuck in a suburban Cleveland basement, you can bask in the endorphins from a quick 10min bodyweight exercise workout; or find a pirated copy of P90X or something online. When I was stuck at home after our second child and a bed-ridden wife, I found that doing 100 burpees for time was a mood-changer.
-I agree with FlaCavsFan about strange being a great liberator; moreso for you is just to be around women again, in that kind of dynamic for the first time in 18yrs.
-Jiglet has a great point hidden among his horse mask talk (which I 100% approve); finding something like the horse mask is an amazing ice breaker, and could really help your confidence. Perhaps the equine angle might not be the one you take, but you could really benefit from something like that.
-It's very important you find SOMEONE, anyone, to talk to about this. Pastors/priests come to mind, as they pretty much have to sit there and listen to you.
-As much as it is a traumatic experience for you, it will be even worse for your children-no matter what kind of facade they are showing. Make sure they know you are still focused on THEM, and try to be aware of their feelings. Kids are amazingly resiliant IF they have parental support.
-I'm not divorced, but I know the trials and tribulations of marraige (6 years, two children, 12 yrs total with wife); the valleys can be quite daunting. I wish you the best, and am sorry I couldn't help more.
 
How do you know you have to pay alimony?

Has she not worked? Do you make that much more?

There are no spousal support guidelines in Ohio so don't go just throwing money at her if you don't have to. You'll have to spend that money on new sluts

I'm assuming since you're worried about being able to afford a place on your own that alimony might not be ordered. Wives are often just so used to having our money that they think its their money.

Here are things the court looks at for alimony and what my stats were with no alimony

Vast income disparity (make about 230% of what she makes)
Length of marriage (7 years)
Spouse w disability (nope)
Spouse did not work (kept her home for 10 months after pregnancy)
One spouse worked to put the other through school (nope)

Not a chance for me

You have property rights though. My wife never paid a single mortgage bill or put a dime toward the house, had to pay her off.

This all sounds kind of new, but you need to know some rights. A lawyer will probably give you a free consult, just have your questions ready.
 
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I won't get too much into my own personal situations, but I can relate to many of the things you are going through. Posting this was a good idea. It's a good way to anonymously get some shit off your chest while waiting for your shrink sessions. I liked your one post about the role reversal thing in the house. That's great, dude. Keep it up, your kids are taking note and will respect you for it in the long run. Kids are always smarter and more aware than we give them credit for.

Anyways, just my take, but focus, focus, focus. Focus on the exact things you want to be. Exercise of any kind is a great thing. The release of endorphines isn't an exact substitute for the high from drugs, but it will help and can soon turn into the thing you become addicted to. It will also help with your self confidence and get that libido up....which will get you closer to realizing you're ready to get back in the game. It may not be easy at first, since you were married for so long, but it's just like riding a bike, bro. And, honestly, when your wife sees this in you...and believe me, she will definitely see it...you never know what things may be able to be rekindled. And, obviously, and most importantly, make sure those kids of yours know their Dad loves them with everything he has and part of him becoming a better man is becoming a better Father in the process. Try to be there for them, because they will need both their parents.

Good Luck, man, and keep us posted. I'll be pulling for you.
 
This board truly is an awesome thing. When threads like this come around, it just goes to show how smart and interesting people around here really are. Even the goofiest posters have the ability to get serious, which is a beautiful thing.





















































funny-horse-mask-computer.jpg
 
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Yep, this is a great place. Even a lot of the douchebags I find myself always disagreeing with have given me some good perspective at one point or another. They're still douches at the end of the day, but douches with perspective, nonetheless.
 
Does my goddamn picture not show up? The picture should have resolved any cliff-hangers...
 
Jiglet said:
Does my goddamn picture not show up? The picture should have resolved any cliff-hangers...
Click to expand...

Unless it was a pic of a blank page at the end of one of your posts. Or, is it some sort of Jig-Jedi mind fuck trick that is going straight over my head? Making a statement by saying nothing at all? Hmmmm....I do this to my kids when they really, really piss me off. Say nothing. Just the evil, you really fucked up good this time, laser beam stare.
 
Going into my 6th day of being clean, I wanted to put this out there. If someone out there is struggling with opiate addiction, NA is one tremendous source in the tool belt for getting clean. I went to my first meeting dirty. I went to my second meeting clean. I can only do it one day at a time, but I really believe that I will have a strong recovery and will be able to avoid relapse. There is nothing wrong going to an NA meeting high. If you want to quit, is the only requirement.

I am doing much better with situation. I haven't begged in days or negotiated trying to get her back. I can't stop loving her, but I am moving on. Put an add up on a dating site. No luck yet, but I got about 40 lbs to go, to get back in real scrogging shape.
 
WarAdmiral said:
Going into my 6th day of being clean, I wanted to put this out there. If someone out there is struggling with opiate addiction, NA is one tremendous source in the tool belt for getting clean. I went to my first meeting dirty. I went to my second meeting clean. I can only do it one day at a time, but I really believe that I will have a strong recovery and will be able to avoid relapse. There is nothing wrong going to an NA meeting high. If you want to quit, is the only requirement.

I am doing much better with situation. I haven't begged in days or negotiated trying to get her back. I can't stop loving her, but I am moving on. Put an add up on a dating site. No luck yet, but I got about 40 lbs to go, to get back in real scrogging shape.
Click to expand...

Good job, Admiral. Keep it up. I sometimes go to the meetings with my little bro and sis for support and you can always tell the people that want to better. You sound like one of those peeps.
 
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