Was always my biggest fear for the last 18 years was losing him. I've been ready to move on with life and be on my own for more than a few years now. But I knew if I did, I'd crush him. He really never got past my mom's death, and the older he got, I think the more he missed her. He never had an easy life, and things just kept seemed to get harder for him rather than easier. 63 years old and killing himself for shit wages at Walmart was not how he wanted to spend his last years. Always wanted to let him have his last years to himself. So he could travel in a small winnebago, going from bluegrass festival to festival. He never really got peace in this world. He never even got to just be retired and not have to worry about shit. It's thinking of things like that that just make it hurt so much. They were all things I wanted for him to have/do, because he deserved it for all the shit he had to go through with me.
It hurts. It's soul crushing to feel so alone. Yes, I have my wifey and baby. Not the same. It was me and Dad vs the world. I was fully accepting of that reality. It's just going to take a while to understand that's not reality anymore.
We go sign the lease and get the keys for the duplex on Monday. Having a fresh start in a new place that doesn't have any memories of Dad attached to it will help. A little.