I'll say what I think some others are thinking and that's why this thread just jammed up without any replies for a while.
And then I'm going to leave it to you to do what's best for you, because I'd REALLY like to see you be healthy. I'd say this by PM, but you've said you don't read them so I'm saying it here.
I feel like I just read a shitload of excuses from you for why you aren't getting help in the traditional way that others have succeeded in beating addiction. Maybe because it's harder or because of pride or whatever. I don't know because I'm not an addict and I'm not an expert in the topic.
In any case, seriously...good luck. I do mean that.
I'm night and day better than a month ago. Even two weeks ago, I would work a morning shift and be exhausted and go home and sleep until the next day. I haven't napped our even been home during the day in the last two weeks. I am either working out, playing basketball or at the dog park actively engaging with other people.
I fully accept the possibility of lying to myself to continue a habit. However, I fucking hate my job now that I don't get high and would love an alternative and have chosen to sell 90% of my drugs (ultimately killing two birds with one stone: 90% decrease in usage and when paired with the other job I'm putting more hours into, coming up with even more money during the week).
I don't use for the hell of it. I have a job, and I can't bear it sober.
I was literally told not to come if I was still using. If I don't use, I won't work. I actually just put down an NA book.
A rigid program may be beneficial to those who only see things in black and white, and a simpler resolution for even those who don't, but circumstances aren't lending themselves to doing that and I'm doing really well realizing what I'm able to do, and where I generally want to be
I'm being defensive, I know everyone means well, and yes the possibility of issues returning are present. However.. You guys don't understand what I was doing before, where I was mentally and emotionally, what happened when I'd mess up (..I started writing it down on a weekly basis.. Every weekend could have a book written about it) and how life is now.
My dad hit rock bottom when he blew a .45 and we found him in.. Let's just say unnervingly bad condition. He stopped drinking five years ago. He kept up addiction with cigarettes, then quit and moved to nicotine lozenge habit, and now just occasionally smokes weed. If you want to be a stickler, no he hasn't beaten addiction by the book scouts honor. But he also doesn't try to kill himself with booze and his family doesn't break into his apartment to find him covered in filth.. He rehabs two to three houses a year single handedly, is loved around the community and is a good person who you wouldn't believe would emotionally torment his loved ones or beat the shit out of his kid from time to time.
I'm not waking up to messages I sent to exes, threatening people with insane things after focusing hours of unrelenting, laser focus resentment on them, or letting bad ppl back into my life because my sex drive was uncontrollable and I hit them up, and there's no signs of physical harm on myself from god knows what.