It's ridiculously hard to makes friends as an adult

[The Oi]

Why don’t all you dorks meet up somewhere?

 

[MikeOC33]

Making friends as an adult just sucks. Really, I haven't made a new friend in years. Possibly decades. The friends I did once have are now - just like me - too busy with life. Kids, taking care of aging and sick parents, and so on. Social media is no real substitute. And I've found that this long into Covid now, people have taken to sharing less and less about themselves or their families. It doesn't help that I'm the classic introvert, and being around other people wear me the fuck out. It doesn't matter if it was a good or bad interaction.

Anyone else dealing with this? What do you do to address this in your life?

Like others have said...join something. Just in the past 6-8 months l did two things were I've met groups of people and have a growing friendship with some from both groups.

I play tennis. Was practicing by myself one morning, a man came onto a far court and also was practicing alone. After a while l approached him and asked if he wanted to hit. Super nice man, he mentioned an inner city group that played regularly, and l should stop by. I did. Great group of guys, fun to play with. Added a bunch of people to my tennis circle.

2nd thing was l did curling way back in the day (the sport on ice were you slide the stones to the target). So last fall l joined a curling club with league play. Have only met 1/10th of membership, already found a few people l would say we are friends. Big thing here was l also started showing up early to prep the ice. It is a thankless job, but l knew the ice crew always needs help...so l jumped in to learn and help.

So to meet people, imo:
-YOU need to take the initiative
-what are your interests, find a group that shares your interest
-be nice. Be sociable. People don't want to be friends with jerks. If you have trouble making friends, maybe...maybe...it's you. If you have social anxiety or something, that is different, so find some way to address that
-be helpful. Pitch in to help if a group needs volunteers to set up or clean up after. This is a big thing. Every group/organization has people doing the background/dirty work. Help make the group better.

I used to play ultimate frisbee. Someone had to check the pitch for debris, set up cones, etc. Not a big deal, but someone had to do it. Help out. Don't be the person who shows up 2 minutes early to avoid the work or expect everything ready for him.

-talk less, listen more. I am a jokester or a smartass, depending on your pov. I know to chill out when l meet new people. Some can take my joking/energy, some not. It's ok. I learned l don't have to say every smartass thing that pops into my active and juvenile brain. Listen, ask questions, don't feel you've got to impress everyone with your resume or your travels.

Biggest thing...YOU have to take the step to find friends. Online friends don't count. You need to put yourself out there.

 

[CleveRocks]

Like others have said...join something. Just in the past 6-8 months l did two things were I've met groups of people and have a growing friendship with some from both groups.

I play tennis. Was practicing by myself one morning, a man came onto a far court and also was practicing alone. After a while l approached him and asked if he wanted to hit. Super nice man, he mentioned an inner city group that played regularly, and l should stop by. I did. Great group of guys, fun to play with. Added a bunch of people to my tennis circle.

2nd thing was l did curling way back in the day (the sport on ice were you slide the stones to the target). So last fall l joined a curling club with league play. Have only met 1/10th of membership, already found a few people l would say we are friends. Big thing here was l also started showing up early to prep the ice. It is a thankless job, but l knew the ice crew always needs help...so l jumped in to learn and help.

So to meet people, imo:
-YOU need to take the initiative
-what are your interests, find a group that shares your interest
-be nice. Be sociable. People don't want to be friends with jerks. If you have trouble making friends, maybe...maybe...it's you. If you have social anxiety or something, that is different, so find some way to address that
-be helpful. Pitch in to help if a group needs volunteers to set up or clean up after. This is a big thing. Every group/organization has people doing the background/dirty work. Help make the group better.

I used to play ultimate frisbee. Someone had to check the pitch for debris, set up cones, etc. Not a big deal, but someone had to do it. Help out. Don't be the person who shows up 2 minutes early to avoid the work or expect everything ready for him.

-talk less, listen more. I am a jokester or a smartass, depending on your pov. I know to chill out when l meet new people. Some can take my joking/energy, some not. It's ok. I learned l don't have to say every smartass thing that pops into my active and juvenile brain. Listen, ask questions, don't feel you've got to impress everyone with your resume or your travels.

Biggest thing...YOU have to take the step to find friends. Online friends don't count. You need to put yourself out there.

Online friends count, but are not enough.. personally, RCF has kept me sane for almost 20 years, so that is not for nuthin.

 

[MikeOC33]

Online friends count, but are not enough.. personally, RCF has kept me sane for almost 20 years, so that is not for nuthin.

They count, sure, as numbers. My wife talks about all the friends she has in on line shared games....trust me, she's never meeting Inga from Sweden. Or Jerry from Jersey, even if he does send more straw when her farmville is in need.

I think actually meeting someone in person matters more to a definition of a friend, when the alternative is interactions in an online game with little or no communication outside of the game.

Are there exceptions? Sure, but l think the OP is looking to make real friends, rather than forum acquaintances.

 

[Man Called X]

What are friends? I haven't hung out with any buddies in probably 7-8 years other than an occasional stop at the bar to watch a buddy play guitar.

I just hide in my basement and troll RCF now. It's almost like having friends

 

[Cavatt]

Introverted people think they don't have anything to talk about a lot. Sometimes it is like they are too caught up in their own head. You don't need anything to talk about. Asking too many stupid questions is annoying, but people generally like to talk about themselves, so ask questions about people's interests and expertise.

Judgement is for real and people will judge you, but that goes away pretty fast after the initial meeting. People rate their friends as more attractive, funnier and more fun than strangers. Once people like you they like you as long as you aren't a prick. Getting to that point can be difficult, but being a thoughtful interviewer is good.

 

[MikeOC33]

Introverted people think they don't have anything to talk about a lot. Sometimes it is like they are too caught up in their own head. You don't need anything to talk about. Asking too many stupid questions is annoying, but people generally like to talk about themselves, so ask questions about people's interests and expertise.

Judgement is for real and people will judge you, but that goes away pretty fast after the initial meeting. People rate their friends as more attractive, funnier and more fun than strangers. Once people like you they like you as long as you aren't a prick. Getting to that point can be difficult, but being a thoughtful interviewer is good.

Exactly. If someone is talking about their dog, don't then use that as an opening to talk about YOUR dog. Ask what breed it is. What's it's name. Why did you name it Ringo? Ask how does Ringo handle all this snow...then maybe say "Yeah, all this snow is a nightmare for my terrier". They will probably ask you about your dog....and the conversation is off and running.

Listen. Ask questions about what you just heard. Don't try to dominate conversation. Don't try to one up someone else...."yeah, went skiing at Brandywine" (small local hill), and you reply, "yeah, l just got back from Vail". Instead, ask about the conditions at Brandywine, how busy was it, what type of skis do you have.

I think many people are afraid to meet new people because they don't live a life like the people they follow on twitter etc.

It's not about validating yourself with what you do, or where you work, etc...it's a simple connection with people that you would like to get to know them. Which is where joining a group or club comes in. You already have a connection...the group or club interest. It's a ready made topic of conversation. How long have you been bowling? Did you bowl in HS? What are the lanes like here? etc

 

[Cavatt]

Exactly. If someone is talking about their dog, don't then use that as an opening to talk about YOUR dog. Ask what breed it is. What's it's name. Why did you name it Ringo? Ask how does Ringo handle all this snow...then maybe say "Yeah, all this snow is a nightmare for my terrier". They will probably ask you about your dog....and the conversation is off and running.

Listen. Ask questions about what you just heard. Don't try to dominate conversation. Don't try to one up someone else...."yeah, went skiing at Brandywine" (small local hill), and you reply, "yeah, l just got back from Vail". Instead, ask about the conditions at Brandywine, how busy was it, what type of skis do you have.

I think many people are afraid to meet new people because they don't live a life like the people they follow on twitter etc.

It's not about validating yourself with what you do, or where you work, etc...it's a simple connection with people that you would like to get to know them. Which is where joining a group or club comes in. You already have a connection...the group or club interest. It's a ready made topic of conversation. How long have you been bowling? Did you bowl in HS? What are the lanes like here? etc

There exists the type of person that people gravitate towards who talks about themselves all the time and has all this charisma, but those people are few and far between. There are a lot more people who THINK they are that person and are actually just assholes. lol

 

[The Oi]

I focus on listening instead of talking about myself.

I’m the type of guy who won’t brag about my $800k a year job, custom built 7,000 sq foot house, gorgeous wife and 8 inch cock.

I’ll only bring that shit up if someone asks and it seems like they feel comfortable with the information.

I’d suggest you do the same but to each their own.

 

[FiveThous]

I focus on listening instead of talking about myself.

I’m the type of guy who won’t brag about my $800k a year job, custom built 7,000 sq foot house, gorgeous wife and 8 inch cock.

I’ll only bring that shit up if someone asks and it seems like they feel comfortable with the information.

I’d suggest you do the same but to each their own.

See, if I were in this conversation, I would be very intrigued to find out more about jigo. Plenty of things he left an opening for, I think the most pressing would be asking cut or uncut and see where the conversation goes from there.

 

[The Oi]

See, if I were in this conversation, I would be very intrigued to find out more about jigo. Plenty of things he left an opening for, I think the most pressing would be asking cut or uncut and see where the conversation goes from there.

And of course, I wouldn’t just flop it out on the table like a London Broil because it’s really nobody’s business and it takes too much time to get my Link costume off.

If I press my tights against my thigh everyone can see it just fine.

 

[arglebargle]

This is a great thread because I'm feeling the same way. I have a great group of friends from high school and we have a group chat that blows up all day everyday for 10 years. 3 of us live in town and 2 are in different states, but even the guys in town we rarely see each other because work/kids/family/etc.

I'm getting to the point that my kids are growing up and don't need me as much anymore. They work or have friends they want to be with and I am left either by myself or with 1 of my 3 kids. I'm going to have a lot more free time coming up where I had almost no time because of their activities.

I've struggled with making friends over the years. I always relied on my ex-wife to do that because she was so friendly. Now that I'm a single guy- it's on me to make friends and it's just not my comfort zone.

The theme is definitely get out of the house, get engaged in activities/volunteer/sports and see what happens. I have to push myself to do this but it's the right thing to do.

This is basically me, with the exception that I'm still married. I always figured when I was younger that there would be other married couples with kids who might want to get together. That was the case for my parents and other families in the neighborhood, but I've never found that anywhere I've lived.

Definitely some good ideas here, though I guess I should have put more detail in that I have kids and am married. I figured this thread might help other people too.

We have talked about getting out to volunteer places once the kids are older. They can stay at home by themselves now without much trouble, but I want to get in all the time I can with them before they go off on their own. In a couple years they won't want anything to do with us anymore.

That said, it's nice to occasionally get together with people who aren't family.

 

[Marcus]

I focus on listening instead of talking about myself.

I’m the type of guy who won’t brag about my $800k a year job, custom built 7,000 sq foot house, gorgeous wife and 8 inch cock.

I’ll only bring that shit up if someone asks and it seems like they feel comfortable with the information.

I’d suggest you do the same but to each their own.

Had to reread this because I thought you said your gorgeous wife had an 8 inch cock.

Spoiler

 

[Sebastian]

I focus on listening instead of talking about myself.

I’m the type of guy who won’t brag about my $800k a year job, custom built 7,000 sq foot house, gorgeous wife and 8 inch cock.

I’ll only bring that shit up if someone asks and it seems like they feel comfortable with the information.

I’d suggest you do the same but to each their own.

See, if I were in this conversation, I would be very intrigued to find out more about jigo. Plenty of things he left an opening for, I think the most pressing would be asking cut or uncut and see where the conversation goes from there.

Spoiler

Looks cut.

 

[Mr. Orange]

OP, Have you considered you just have a terrible personality, are boring, and people don’t like you?