My wife hooked me up this year. My fave was the 8GB 3rd gen iPod nano
She also got me a really nice Cavs hoodie, a priceless Lawrence Taylor (#56) throwback t-shirt, and some other goodies. She splurged on me b/c my b-day is today too. She wins wife of the year!
I got my g/f the black 8gb nano...it's badass...I take it when she isn't looking
Who needs dignity and self-esteem
when you have porn and privacy?
Perverts of the world rejoice! A UK-based grad student named Joe Malia has invented a device that will allow you to post to your sports blog at work or view online porn at the public library. It's the Techno Privacy Scarf!!
Want to send a naughty text message on the train? Maybe watch two frisky co-eds make out while sipping coffee at your local Starbucks? Or read last night's NBA capsules over your lunch break? You can do all this and more while both maintaining your privacy and making a fashion statement. Sure, that statement is "I will die alone...so very, very alone" but why should you care? You can watch Internet porn whenever you want. They're called priorities. Look them up.
I showed these pictures to a friend, and he brought up an excellent point: What happens if you sneeze? Which led me to wonder, how the hell do you breath in that thing? Well, it just so happens that the scarf provides zippered flaps for air intake and (presumably) mucas expulsion:
See that little flap? That'll be your
only contact with the outside world.
Mr. Malia really thought of everything. He even included a special speaker in the back of the hood so that you can maintain some form of contact with your friends (if you have any left) and loved ones (assuming they still love you). Of course, that "contact" will be bizarre and dysfunctional, eventually transforming your existence into a shadowy, isolated half-life that will no doubt lead to institutionalization or suicide. I'm so glad we have people like Mr. Malia around to empower you people.
Nothing says "personal" like a speaker
in the back of your privacy hood.
Those of you who have been in a crowded dance club, on a busy commuter train, or involved in an all-out NBA brawl can probably appreciate this truism: Sometimes you want to be groped, and sometimes you just want to be left alone. But how do you get that subtle point across, short of a cruel and punishing nutshot?
Well, wonder no more. Here's the latest in "back the hell off" technology: The No-Contact Jacket!!
"Touch me again and I will
flash-fry your ass, douchbag."
The No-Contact Jacket is not only stylish and form-fitting, it also turns you into a street-walking stun gun. Press the switch in either palm and you can blast friends and foes alike with an 80,000-volt electrical pulse. In case you missed that, allow me to repeat: 80,000 freaking volts. Now, personally, I never made it past 3rd grade math, but that sounds like a lot to me.
Believe it or not, all that juice comes from a regular 9-volt battery that's plugged into the jacket lining. Speaking of which, the jacket is fully insulated with a layer of rubber, so you can burn your attacker to a sizzling crisp without jacking yourself up by mistake.
The No-Contact Jacket is the perfect for any NBA season ticket holders on your list. I'm pretty sure the Ron Artests and Stephen Jacksons of the world would think twice about rampaging into the stands if they knew the fans could incinerate them at will.
A few last thoughts. First, the company "would not recommend activating [the jacket] in wet or rainy conditions unless absolutely necessary." Sound advice. Second, and most importantly, if you get this jacket and at some point need to use it against me, I only ask that you say something like "Shocking!" or "Let me light up your life, scumbag!" while doing it. Oh, and please say it in an Austrian accent. That would totally rock.
Riddle me this, Batman: What's 95% cotton, 5% spandex, and 100% totally hot? Why Nintendo Controller Panties of course!
Note to nerds everywhere: Now is
not the time for button mashing.
These aren't just some cheap knockoffs, either. They're officially licensed Nintendo panties, and they're even screen printed on both sides (the word "Nintendo" is emblazoned on the ass). The ironic thing about these panties is the fact that most of the guys who would find them sexy have a better chance of dying by asteroid impact than getting laid. With Gilbert Arenas being one notable exception.
So don't wait another minute. Order today, and perhaps by this time next week you might be able to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start your girl to orgasm. Could that be the universal code...of love?
I'm a simple man who isn't motivated by frivilous material gain. My Christmas wish is to make life better for everyone. In the immortal words of Patrick Bateman, we need to stop terrorism and end world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.
But if I can't get any of that silly crap, I want THIS:
If you don't think this is freaking
cool, we probably hate each other.
The Gryphon Single-Man Flying Wing is a parachute system with two jet engines on board that can carry a dude (or dudette) 110 miles on just half a gallon of jet fuel. This device will allow paratroopers to "penetrate enemy airspace without compromising the safety of the aircraft or being detected by radar." Penetrate enemy airspace...?! HOT!!
Now, I'm not suggesting that you should all pool your money and buy this for me, thereby allowing me to soar through the night like a living spirit of justice. But if you don't, then I guess none of you really love me.
Alternate suggestion: An authentic, hand-signed Greg Ostertag basketball card.
She bought me one though...
