Ok, this part about thin beers actually helps.
You may want to try porters or stouts which are typically heavier in the feel. I don't usually recommend those to people but if you're thinking you don't like crisp or light beers, these may be more up your alley.
Im not sure what it is about the thin that I don’t like- it just tastes unnatural?
When I eat food, I’m huge in texture/consistency. I can only imagine it’s similar for beers.
porters and stouts are usually darker, and more chocolate/nutty, right? I’m a big dark chocolate guy, so that might actually work?